susie

yeah!

Wed, 27 May 2009 20:47:39 GMT

i'm on a roll, and i can't look back.

let the past be the past. fucking MOVE ON and spend more time into creating a new future, not spending your time trying to make your future parallel to your past. it's over. it's OVER.

on another note, i love life. even though i'm not going to camp this summer :/

Edit
i found out josh is (or might be) doing drugs agian and it's breaking my heart :(

okkk so

Wed, 22 Apr 2009 08:18:53 GMT

so ever since josh and i stopped... well, hooking up, everything has changed so much. everyone that knew we were "together", including his friends, roommates, and my friends, have been treating me differently. specifically males.

His roommates have all sort of tried to get with me. Sometimes at a party they'll flirt with me and ask me if i want to hook up when he's not around, and some will flirt with me IN FRONT of him. Both of which i just ignore. And sometimes, in general guys will be more flirty and friendly to me.
I guess i should like it, when i complain about it my girl friends get mad at me and say i have nothing to complain about. I guess it's flattering, i know i should get over josh... but it's hard when the ONE person you like, is the ONE person that doesn't give you as much attention.

it's just frustrating. It's hard to let go.

you people are going to kill me!!

Fri, 17 Apr 2009 04:24:03 GMT

ok so i know i'm the most annoying person ever because i'm begining to annoy MYSELF. but i'm staying at csun next year.

today i drove down to irvine valley college for a meeting with an advisor, and i learned that only TWO UC's have my major. and it's not even the same "type" of major. i'm nutrition as in dietetics, like i want to help people lose weight, which is a REALLy good program at schools like sjsu, sfsu, and csun. but at uc davis and berkeley, it's food SCIENCE which isn't what i want. plus at the UC schools it's more learning about food through reading and research, while at csun we cook and do experiments to learn how food works. csun also has better internship programs, and i'm more likely to succeed in LA (for internships and possible jobs) compaired to san louis obispo or davis. so, i won't be in a college town, but i'm 15 mins away from a busy city everyone in the world wants to go to.

for example, i'll put it simply...
if in class, we wanted to see what sugar does in the production of cookies, at davis or berkely, we would do research and read about the formation of a cookie with sugar.
at csun, we would make a sugar cookie with sugar, and one without sugar, then compare the two, and learn HANDS ON why the cookie has a different texture, mouth feel, taste etc. without sugar
(this experiment we actually did.)

so in the long run, i'll be MORE successful at csun. although i hate the valley, and i hate being at a commuter school, i'll be better off in the long run...

thats all i have to say.

a decision had been made

Tue, 07 Apr 2009 06:30:03 GMT

i've made a decision and next year i will be a student of irvine valley college, NOT csun.

I'm really happy. I feel like i've made the right decision for ME. not anyone else. and i'm ready to start this shit.

This summer theres a 50% chance i won't be at camp, and i'm for sure going to summer school for the first half of summer, but it'll all work out in the long run.

and i've realized i always want the boys i can't have. easy guys are no fun.

hellogoodbye csun?

Sat, 04 Apr 2009 02:53:15 GMT

i may or may not be a student at csun next year.

who knows? not me...

farewell csun

Tue, 31 Mar 2009 18:18:04 GMT

I have made a conscious decision to drop out of csun and go to a community college for this summer, fall and next spring; then transfer to a different school.

I'm so glad I've made this decision, I'm completely ready for this.

I have to take one step back, but in the end I'm making one huge leap forward.

stop, breath, and keep going.

Sun, 29 Mar 2009 09:01:39 GMT

i've been completely absorbed in music this past week. I've been listening to artists and bands including jimi hendrix, the rolling stones, led zeppelin, pink floyd and the list goes on. for some reason all these artists are speaking to me and i've never felt so connected to their lyrics before until now. And since i'm pretty low on friends and compainions at this time, I've befriended music and i couldn't be happier.

the song i've been listening to over and over agian is this song that i can most relate to my life in this moment is tom petty free falling. maybe because he sings about living the valley and i'm right now living in the valley, or how a boy from reseda broke a girls heart, and... yeah. i won't explain it on here...

Shes a good girl, loves her mam a
Loves jesus and america too
Shes a good girl, crazy bout elvis
Loves horses and her boyfriend too

Its a long day living in reseda
Theres a freeway runnin through the yard
And Im a bad boy cause I dont even miss her
Im a bad boy for breakin her heart

And Im free, free fallin
Yeah Im free, free fallin

All the vampires walkin through the valley
Move west down ventura boulevard
And all the bad boys are standing in the shadows
A ll the good girls are home with broken hearts

And Im free, free fallin
Yeah Im free, free fallin
Free fallin, now Im free fallin, now im
Free fallin, now Im free fallin, now im

I wanna glide down over mulholland
I wanna write her name in the sky
Gonna free fall out into nothin
Gonna leave this world for a while

:(

Thu, 26 Mar 2009 09:01:49 GMT

i miss him so so much and it's driving me crazy!!!

what would i give up just to fall asleep in his arms for one more night, and wake up with him next to me.
i would die for it...

i can't decide whats worst, never having him agian, or just having him for one more night yet being reminded of what i can't have...
it's both a lose lose situation.
i just want him.

boys and girls

Tue, 17 Mar 2009 09:19:13 GMT

i've been writing a lot in here lately. i usually don't like writing in here, but i have a lot on my mind i need to get out. i started writing it on paper, but my hand would start hurting after like... a sentence. so thanks lj, for not making my hand hurt... anyways

so the friend-boytoy and i are no longer anything, of course friends, but we're not hooking up and i'm not sleeping over there anymore. he wanted to end things friday night, after an entire night of being an asshole to me, then we talked it out and he agreed to stay with me, but continued to not talk to me for the rest of the weekend. finally i told him today (technically yesterday, monday) that he was right and we should end things, and he was like "uh ok we're over" and that was it.
sort of frustrating, but what can you do? right now i'm just upset and i feel like i'm mad at him, but i'm just mad at the situation and i know i'll still be friends with him. it just sucks it had to end this way. but it's not like a whole michael situation where things end up being horrible... so i'm thankful it's still all good.

and everything is starting to look up. i finally realized some girls are "cunts" and i need to let things go. thinking too much about my boy situation took my mind off the girl/friendship situation. so it's whatever; you give some you lose some.

other than that, i guess things are alright. i wish i had a boy, but not just any boy, i want the one i had this morning before we ended things. i want the boy i used to have; but that'll never happen agian...

confusion and sadness

Sat, 14 Mar 2009 23:26:09 GMT

right now, in this moment, i'm very confused, nervous, unsure, lonely, rejected, and angry.
i tried working it out. about only half of everything needed to work out was successful.

and whats really upsetting is that i didn't cause ANY of this. sometimes theres drama and i admit to starting it or being somewhat of an istagator, but in this case, i can honeslty say, that 100% of it wasn't me. So i don't know why this all started, or whats going on, but i sure do hope it fixes, or time speeds up and goes faster so i can be at camp with my true, amazing friends.

oy

march is always a bad month

Thu, 12 Mar 2009 05:23:23 GMT

something about march, every year, is a bad month for me.
i think it's the weird transition from winter to spring, when i'm the furthest from camp, too much into the year to be remembering camp, yet not close enough to summer to get excited. idk what it is, but things seem to be very right, yet are actually very wrong. and what's scary, is that i can pin point it, yet i don't know what to do about it; and whats worse is that doing something about it might not make it better.

i guess i'll wait until april, when it's spring and warm. but then it'll be spring break, and once agian these things will happen to me.

whenever i'm in these situations, i just think "gamzeya-ahvor"- this too shall pass.

ugggh nothing is going right!

Sun, 08 Mar 2009 21:18:08 GMT

I'M SO UPSET AND CONFUSED AND ANGRY AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i just feel like crying more. and i hope this all clears up soon.

:(

yeah

Mon, 09 Feb 2009 20:43:18 GMT

i finally decided to rush alpha xi delta.

the main reasons: i want to be in a sorority this semester and alpha phi i believe is not doing spring rush.
i fit in best with axid girls.
my best and closest friends are ALL axid girls.
it's the organization and sorority I want to be apart of.

I'm really excited to rush. it starts tomorrow and i find out friday if i get a bid. i'm incredably nervous because axid is one of the top houses on campus and most girls either want to do kappa or axid, making the competition really high.

thats about it.
I'm also sort of hooking up with a guy. He's really nice, friendly and funny. I'm enjoying it. but i don't our relationship to go further than me just sleeping at his house every other weekend. yaknow?

helllllls ya ucla

Fri, 23 Jan 2009 22:39:23 GMT

the best part about being at csun, is that i'm only 20 mins from ucla.

i have a really really good friend in a flat by herself on greek row, a really close friend living at the aepi house, and a guy thats really into me living in the dorms. so whenever i go party at ucla (which i plan to do frequently in the future), i'll always have a place to stay. or i can just take the 20 min drive back to the valley.
it's wonderful. i love ucla soo much. i don't want to transfer there or anything, but def. visit a lot with my new best friend <3

is this college?

Tue, 20 Jan 2009 05:21:16 GMT

i've come to that point, that when i think of thursdays, i think of alcohol.

i've also come to that point, that when i think of alcohol, i begin to get sick.

hm.

sad

Sat, 03 Jan 2009 19:34:38 GMT

i know kallah east was nearly 2 years ago, but sometimes i hear a song or look at pics from ke and i just can't get over it. i miss it so much; i miss camp newman too, but all those people are on the west coast and i go there every summer, but i miss my kallah friends more than anything, and what really kills me is majority of them are from across the country.

i know i should be over this by now, but it still kills me. i still feel like my heart is still in perelman, and i just need to go back.
i decided next summer i really really want to staff ILTC and KE, or either one of those. i miss the entire athosphere so much. words can't even explain. :'(

2009 will be a good year. but i would kill to go back to summer '07

sorry for this post. i know i have abillion just like this regarding kallah east. but i just CAN'T get over it.

wow

Mon, 01 Dec 2008 01:16:48 GMT

i only write in here when i'm upset

i'm not going to write in here anymore. or at least write in here as little as possible. i used LJ in highschool, and i'm just really really over it.

peace

goodness

Sat, 29 Nov 2008 03:28:04 GMT

i hate being home.
it's soooo boring

i would much rather be back at csun.

oh yeah, i forgot

Fri, 14 Nov 2008 19:41:13 GMT

i forgot to mention the weirdest moment of my life.

so i was in orange county monday-tuesday and monday night i went out with two of my aepi friends from csun, nicole and maya. one of the boys i was friends with that i brought has a brother in uci aepi. so the 5 of us go to del taco in irvine and we're chilling with LOTS of uci aepi boys.

and i had this really weird realization that i was still in BBYO.
i was in the SAME del taco i went to every other tuesday night with Irvine AZA, with nicole and maya, but instead of AZA it was AEPi. and it was just weird.
"dude maya, it's like the older version of BBYO right now!"

it was a good night.

bs

Fri, 14 Nov 2008 10:08:02 GMT

enough is enought. this is all bullshit. since my last post, i would like to say i HAVENT learned from my mistake. but i think tonight it hit me really hard. when you end up crying to your best guy friend at the end of the night about how your feelings are hurt, things have just gone too far.

i hate this feeling. and the worst part is aepi semi formal is saturday. and my date is really cute.
UGH

but thank god for joel rosen.
he says he's always there to protect me. i don't know what i would do without him.

i currently dislike boys

Sun, 02 Nov 2008 08:32:30 GMT

why the fuck havent i learned my lesson? i put myself into these situations all the time and in the back of my head i know i'm going to get hurt. then i do...

i should have learned my lesson when i hooked up with the first israeli at camp, then the second, then the first boy i kissed in college, then the second, then the fourth and now the fifth. fuck this. fuck fuck fuck this. after every incident, i tell myself i learned my lesson and i won't let this shit happen agian. and then i do it agian. hopefully this time i learned it for good.

i also hate crazy bitches.
i hate when girls that don't even know me call me fucking ugly, a slut, dumb, unintelligent and a dumb boy crazy girl. even though they've never actually met me. whos the dumb one now?

and i hate when boys are rude. you do a favor for someone, and they are just rude in return. thanks asshold, for ruining my night.

anyways. santa barbara halloween was sick as fuck.

but right now i just feel like shit.

sure

Sun, 26 Oct 2008 20:19:06 GMT

i get bored with boys easily... then move on to a new one.

it's like the circle of life.

ok

Tue, 14 Oct 2008 16:53:43 GMT

my birthday wasn't that bad
thank god for the aepi boys, it wouldn't have been great without them.

i love csun, but i've been thinking a lot about transfering to cal poly slo.

so right now, my goal and motivation is cal poly. I do my homework instead of watch tv because i keep telling myself "susie, get good grades so you can apply to transfer to cal poly"
and it's working
minus the fact that i'm skipping my first class today to write my essay/project for my second class...
but whatever, i've been really good at doing my homework and studying.

i'm visitng cal poly this weekend actually. i'm really excited :)

oh, and saturday night hanging out with maya and nicole was the best ever. it's what i needed for a good birthday weekend.

the big one eight?

Sun, 12 Oct 2008 01:38:51 GMT

i'm preparing myself for the worste birthday of my life.

it rocks i'll be 18, but it's honestly going to suck. the day of my birthday will probably go like this

-wake up. my 3 roommates (who i think don't like me anymore) will put on a fake face and go "omg it's your birthdya! happy birthday"
-i'll go to class. like any regular day
-i'll go to the greek quad and maybe some aepi guys will wish me a happy birthday. i'll go to lunch with joel rosen, which i normally do everyday
-come back to my dorm and maybe go to the gym while spending my night in my dormroom trying to avoid my bitchy roommates the best i can. eat dinner by myself and do homework.

as the days to my birthday get closer and closer,i'm realizing i just want to cry more and more.

but next weekend i'm going to cal poly slo. where i can pretend like thats my birthday present to myself.

i have tons of friends at college, but they are all from different groups of people and idk what i would do for my birthday. and it's too late to get a group together...

oh, and what REALLY sucks beyond anything is majority of my friends will be doing pledge shit for aepi or sorority meetings.

so my 18th birthday is really going to suck fucking balls

and what also really sucks is my "best friend" ariella knew i was coming down this weekend to see her, yet she has made no effort to see me.
her texts are either "oh i'm at a friends house right now, maybe ill come over after"
or "i'll call if i'm not busy"
or "i'm busy tomorrow night, i'm goingto my friend ben's birthday party. maybe i can see you in the day time?"

FUCK YOU BITCH. i didn't come here for you to squeeze me in your busy life. don't even bother. FUCK YOU, honestly.

the aepi guys invited me to go to santa barbra with them tonight. i wish i was at school, because then i would have fun.

sooo

Fri, 26 Sep 2008 21:14:19 GMT

so the two houses i think i want to rush for, as of right now, is alpha phi and alpha xi delta.

i need to keep those in mind. and i think i might join one next fall. i still have a lot of changing to do...